Motherhood in Seasons: Why Every Stage Feels Like the Hardest One Until It’s Gone

Just as you are almost at your breaking point with one stage, you'll be at the next one in a blink.

Tonight as I put my toddler down I couldn't help but think how hard this stage has been with bed time. We will make progress of him falling asleep on his own and then we regress back to assisting him to sleep. Don't get me wrong I don't mind some last minute connection before bed with reading a book and a quick snuggle but lately, it has been struggling to stay on that track. I feel as though I have created a bad habit I can't break and I may be singing his comfort newborn lullaby until he goes to college.

However, I have said this before, that I saw no end in sight with the current stage. I think back to when he was a newborn and the witching hour would start at 7pm and he would just cry and cry. I soon found out about colic and yes, that was my son to a T. I would walk and back and forth across the room trying to comfort him, trying to comfort me, but sometimes, we just cried in unison. Next would come the nights of the separation anxiety, and holding a sleeping baby that now has open eyes as you go to lay them in the crib. Every stage comes with its pain point but it leaves before you can fully take it in.

That's the thing about motherhood, it moves in seasons, each one challenging, beautiful, and heartbreakingly temporary.

I thought I was a horrible mom during the newborn phase because I had a baby who would cry all night. I had so much anxiety about his sleep and what the room temperature that I sometimes forgot to just take in the moment. During the day my eyes would try and flutter shut and I thought, I may truly never sleep again. The exhaustion felt physically painful too, on top of the healing and breastfeeding. Breast feeding and the learning curves of it felt like their own uphill battle until it was also done. We spent so much time perfecting the latch, the positioning, and the timing of feeds. However, just as I thought I may break from another night of sleep in 15 increments, the monitor started to remain quiet. He was finding his way to independent sleep.

Now in the toddler years I ache for the newborn days when I could just hold him close. I now have a busy tiny human that would rather spin, run, and play than sit for just a moment. It makes me miss those moments that felt so hard, where I was so needed, but there was a certain peace that came with it being just the two of us. Now I share him with the world and he goes to school. Watching him become more independent is heart breaking but also followed by a sense of pride.

The toddler years have brought their own spin on chaos and some days feel like a battle. Whether it is getting dressed, putting their shoes on, or trying to brush their teeth it is never an easy task. While it is so fun to see a toddler get their personality and push the limits, it can also be exhausting since the world does not revolve around them ( even though they think it does). There are also the tantrums that can strike randomly and have you running out of stores, making you forget what you even needed to pick up in the first place. I sometimes find myself wishing the days away to bed time and once I'm there, I want the day back. I may be fighting for my sanity some days but, one day I will be wishing for these tiny hugs back.

As I continue to reflect on my motherhood journey, I can remember on those sleepless newborn nights just wishing he could sleep through the night. To my surprise, one day he finally did. Then one day it was the last day he had his binky, the last day he wore a sleep sack, and soon enough, the last day in his crib. The little baby that I wish I could hold again walks onto the playground at school and doesn't look back. His little voice has become one of the many I hear echoing as I walk back to the car. Even when you're in the thick of it, try to remember each stage is fleeting.

Maybe every stage feels like the hardest because it asks something new of us. And just when we finally learn how to carry it, it’s time to set it down.